Q & A about being Gay and Frum

Is it possible to be gay and frum (a religious observant Jew)?
Yes. Being sexually attracted to people of the same sex - having a gay (homosexual) orientation - does not violate halacha (Jewish law) in any way. Halacha only addresses behavior and conduct; it does not attempt to control feelings or sexual attractions. A person can be gay and also observe all the mitzvos (commandments). There is no contradiction in being gay and being frum.

What does the Torah say about homosexuality?
The Torah does not say anything about being gay--about having a homosexual orientation. What the Torah addresses is certain specific homosexual conduct. The Torah says:

"Ve-et zachar lo tishcav mishkevei isha to'evah hi" (Vayikra 18:22)
"A man shall not lie with another man as he would lie with a woman, it is an abhorrence (n.1)" (Leviticus 18:22).

"Ve-ish asher yishcav et zachar mishkevei isha to'evah asu shneihem mot yumtu demeihem bam." (Vayikra 20:13).
"A man who lies with a man [in the way of] lying with a woman, both of them have done an abhorrent thing (n.1) and shall die for it." (Leviticus 20:13).

Chazal (the Rabbis) understand that here "mishkevei," which is translated as "lie," means anal penetration (Sanhedrin 54). So the Torah, Chazal tell us, says that two men should not have anal sex; it is a to'evah--an "abhorrence" (n.1). We learn that to'evah is a contraction for "to'eh atah bah" ("being led astray") (Nedarim 51a). A man may be led astray from his wife and home by having anal intercourse with men (Tosafos on Nedarim 51a) or go astray from the foundations of creation--from procreation (Torah Temimah on Vayikra 18:22). And while halacha has prohibited other things because they might lead to anal sex (Sefer HaMitzvos 353; Even HaEzer 20), other things are not a to'evah.

The Torah does not specifically address homosexual conduct between women at all, but halacha says that women should avoid it (Even HaEzer 20). Sexual activity between two women, though, is not a to'evah.

So what can I do about sex as a frum gay Jew?
As frum Jews, we strive to observe as many mitzvos as possible. Some decide not to act on their sexual feelings and choose to be celibate. Others feel that they need intimate sexual contact with another person; so they kiss, hug, and caress, may touch in ways that lead to orgasm (such as mutual masturbation), and may also have oral sex. Many men, though, decide not to have anal sex based on the psukim in Vayikra (verses in Leviticus), and understand this to be a limit that G-d put on what two men can do (other limits, for example, are placed on what we eat (kashrus, the Jewish dietary laws) and when straight couples can have sex (niddah, the marital purity laws)). The important thing to remember is that whatever you decide, you are always a Jew and you can also be frum.

Can I still be frum if I don't abstain from having sex?
Every Jew is rewarded for each mitzvah he does and is responsible for each averah (transgression) he commits. Just because a Jew cannot observe every mitzvah does not mean he should not do any and does not mean that he cannot live within a framework of traditional Judaism. All Jews have shortcomings: "for there is no person so wholly righteous on earth that he [always] does good and never sins" (Kohelet 7:20). We can observe Shabbos and yomim tovim (the Sabbath and holidays), keep kashrus, daven (pray), learn Torah, visit the sick, give charity--in short we can do as many mitzvos as possible.

What if in the past I've had male anal sex?
Homosexual activity has no bearing on one's Jewishness. And while the Torah says that men should not have anal sex, all humans, by their very nature, are imperfect. This is why teshuvah (repentance) was given to us.

What if for me male anal sex is a necessity for intimacy?
"Be-kol drachechah da'eihu" (Mishlay 3:6) ("In all your ways know G-d," Proverbs 3:6), even when doing an averah (transgression) (Brachos 63a). If one does an averah, instead of breaking away from G-d, one can come closer to G-d by doing other mitzvos. G-d is always with us. When a person falls, he falls into the lap of G-d.

Why did G-d make me gay?
"Va-yar Elokim et kol asher asah v-hinei tov meod" (Bereshis 1:31) ("And G-d saw all that He had made, and found it very good." Genesis 1:31). Every person is created in the image of G-d (be-tzelem Elokim, Bereshis 1:27 and 9:6). We do not understand why G-d has created us this way (whether it is genetic or acquired, the Torah does not express any view) and why G-d created others with different characteristics. We are as beloved in the eyes of G-d as any other Jew and we are as responsible as any other Jew in observing the mitzvos. We will merit the same share in the world to come as all other Jews, as it is written "Kol Yisrael yesh la-hem chelek l'olam ha-bah" ("All Israel has a share in the world to come" Mishnah Sanhedrin 10:1).

What about the mitzvah of pru urvu (procreation)?
Some gay people feel they can make a good marriage and fulfill the important mitzvah of having children. Artificial insemination and surrogacy give gay people other possibilities today they didn't have in the past. But many gay people realize that marriage and having children are not options for them. Not everyone is able to have children. Some people are infertile, others are unable to care for children, and some reluctantly are not in a position to have children. But anyone, gay or straight, who does not have children is still a full-fledged member of the Jewish community and can still be an observant Jew. For example, the great Tanna (Sage) Shimon Ben Azzai, who never married or had children, said "the world can be perpetuated by others." (Yevamos 63b). As it says in Isaiah 56:3:

And let not the saris [the male who cannot have children] say, "I am a withered tree." For thus said the L-rd: "As regards the sarisim who keep My sabbaths, who have chosen what I desire, and hold fast to My covenant -- I will give them, in My House and within My walls, a monument and a name better than sons or daughters. I will give them an everlasting name which shall not perish."

How can I contribute to the continuity of the Jewish people?
There are many things we can do that make important contributions to k'lal Yisrael (the Jewish community). We can teach Torah to others, which furthers the education of future generations. And we can devote considerable time to others, something people with children may not have the time to do. This can involve community leadership positions in shul (synagogue), charities, or other causes. We can also generously give tzdakah (charity).

What can I tell people who hate homosexuals?
Most often feelings of hate are based on ignorance, misunderstanding, and fear of the unknown. And it may not be so much "hate" as disapproval of certain conduct. Attitudes often change with education, and after meeting gay people and understanding halacha, most people will accept the fact that a person is gay. It may also help to remind them that Hillel said: Ve-al tadin et chavercha ad she-tagia li-mkomo (Pirke Avos 2:5) (Do not judge your fellow until you are in his place. Ethics of the Fathers 2:5).

Are there other frum gay Jews out there?
Yes, there are many people who are frum and gay. Until recently, most gay Jews in Orthodox communities were alone. Now there are more resources than ever. Please check out the Gay and Lesbian Yeshiva and Day School Alumni Association (recorded information is available by calling 212-780-4656 or contact us by e-mail at GayJews@aol.com).

These responses are consistent with halacha (Jewish law) and Jewish tradition and were reviewed by Orthodox Rabbis.

Note 1: The translation of "to'evah" is usually "abhorrence" or "abomination." It is used in the Tanach (the Bible) approximately one hundred times in connection with various kinds of conduct such as arrogant behavior, using false scales, and most often worshiping idols (avodah za'ra). To'evah is used in many situations that do not involve issues of sexuality or "morality" and this broader use indicates that the transgression is more in the nature of a "mistake."

Making It in the Workplace, and Creating Kiddush Hashem In The Process

True kiddush Shem Shamayim – sanctifying the Heavenly Name – is achieved when an individual is alone within the four walls of his room; faced with the opportunity to violate a Torah command, he refrains from doing so because he realizes that his every action is scrutinized by G-d. When others are also aware of his respect for G-d’s wishes, the kiddush Hashem grows; the wider the awareness, the greater the kiddush Hashem. But the starting place is in the privacy of the heart of that single Jew.

Widespread kiddush Hashem will prompt observers to comment: “How wonderful are the deeds of So-and-so. How fortunate are his parents for having taught him Torah!” (See Yoma 86a.)

The Orthodox Jew in the marketplace faces frequent challenges to his fidelity to Torah values and mitzvah observance. At the same time, he may be struggling to make his mark in his particular field of endeavor, which may appear to be threatened as a result of his open adherence to Torah guidelines. In the article that follows, Yosi Heber, an executive at Dannon/Lea & Perrins, describes his effort to succeed in his corner of the corporate world, while remaining faithful to Torah, and hoping to generate a kiddush Hashem at the same time.

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I’ll never forget the first week of my “career.” Here I was, a newly-minted Wharton MBA, ready to plunge into the corporate world and make my mark. At the end of my first week at General Foods, I called my mother and told her how worried I was about my future prospects. There was a “class” of six of us who started at the same time in the Desserts Division. Spence and Carol were best friends from Harvard. Matt was one of the boys who played golf with the big boss on Saturdays. Mary really looked the part of junior executive. And then there was me, Yosi. I overheard one of the secretaries ask, “What’s a Yosi?” One of my new roles was to create new Jello recipes. I couldn’t even eat the Jello! “I’ll never make it,” I told my mother. I couldn’t possibly be one of them or fit in with them. How would I survive in this “jungle”?

After a year on the job, I came to the following conclusion: If an employee is a non-Jew, he or she can be perceived in the eyes of an employer in one of three ways: liked by people, disliked by people, or middle of the road (“one of the boys”).

If a person is a frum Jew, however, there are only two possibilities: Either you will be respected because you are a frum Jew (and you create a kiddush Hashem), or you’ll be disliked because you are a frum Jew (and that can lead to chillul Hashem). You cannot and will not ever be accepted as “one of the boys.” There is simply no middle ground for you in a corporate environment.

Therefore, when faced with the prospects of working in this type of setting, you would want to be sure to land on the right side. In fact, the possibility of creating a chillul Hashem cannot be taken lightly. As the Gemara says: “If a person creates a chillul Hashem, even doing teshuvah on Yom Kippur does not achieve atonement for him” (Yoma 86a). The question is -- how can one insure that he or she will create a positive impression, be properly respected, and make a kiddush Hashem in such a difficult environment? One must work hard at it. I have consulted with people who are in similar situations, and we have come up with six rules that have been found to be helpful in achieving success.

• Six Rules of Thumb

Bend over backwards to be nice to people. Did you ever notice that when something goes wrong, people are always “Johnny on the spot” to complain and blame? Be the one to speak up when things go right! Offer compliments to people who deserve them. Send greeting cards on appropriate occasions and verbally express thanks to the people who have been of help to you. And if you move up the corporate ladder and become other people’s boss, aim at being an “easygoing” boss. The bottom line is, if you treat people well, they’ll both respect you and like you as a person.

Do outstanding quality work. Don’t just do your job, do it with a high degree of excellence. Know your field inside out, and be creative with new ideas. Become recognized as the resident expert on chosen subjects. Offer help and give guidance to anyone who needs it, at any level. By giving the job your absolute best, you’ll be highly valued for your contributions to the organization.

Be consistent in your religious conduct. Never waffle. They’ll respect you for it. If they perceive that you are only religious when it’s convenient for you (e.g., leaving early on Fridays), then you’re in trouble.

David, a successful systems analyst in a large firm, knew that he was on the right track when a peer said to him, “If only I were as consistent with my diet as you are with your religion, I would’ve lost 30 pounds by now.”

Be frum, but show them that you are a “normal” person. Begin by being “professionally” friendly. Demonstrate that you have a sense of humor, talk about politics, and ask your co-workers about their families. They’ll appreciate your worldliness and your interest in them personally. This type of professional friendliness can be more powerful than conforming to the “social” friendliness stereotype that people think one needs to succeed (e.g., having drinks together after work).

Although it can be a bit tricky, one should actively look for ways to demonstrate “normality” to them. Use common sense. While there are a number of halachic issues that you cannot compromise on, there are other things that can be done well within the boundaries of halachah.

Josh, a finance director at a well-known New York bank, remembers having been “required” to go to the company’s annual picnic and baseball game. He felt uncomfortable playing in the field, so he grabbed the microphone and announced the proceedings play by play, and enthusiastically cheered the hits and catches. To his colleagues, it demonstrated that he was “normal.”

Be someone whom people enjoy being around. Have a positive attitude and project yourself as a happy person. As the Gemara (Succah 49) says: “If a person projects happiness and chein, it becomes clear to people that he is a yerei Shamayim.”

Strengthen your ruchnius level at home. This, in truth, is the core of all kiddush Hashem. Being exposed to the added nisyonos (temptations) of the outside world requires that extra attention be paid to your frumkeit level when you’re not at work. Make certain that you have a Rav to whom you can present she’eilos and can consult for advice, and always maintain a k’vius (set time) to study Torah every day without fail. Daf Yomi is an excellent vehicle for this because even if you travel on business, the daily daf is exactly the same whether you’re in Los Angeles, London or Lawrence.

It may seem improbable, but I have met many prominent people in the corporate world over the years, who say that by merely following these types of guidelines, they have never really had a negative experience. Even in seemingly difficult situations (e.g., late Friday meetings, business trips abroad, etc.), many comment that they have always felt that they were respected for their religious beliefs, and not thought of as “odd” because they were so different from everyone else in their respective companies.

• The Importance of Being an Ambassador

One might ask, why is it so important to bear in mind that one is representing the Jewish people, so to speak, in the marketplace -- the kiddush Hashem factor, if you will? Isn’t it sufficient to just do your job positively, deliver faithfully, and hope for the best? The answer is simple. First of all, as one is always a Jew -- 24 hours a day -- so too, is one always viewed as a Jew. Kiddush Hashem and the opposite are always on the agenda.

In addition, it is worthwhile to bear in mind the bigger picture. One can never know which person one works with today will be in a position of major influence for Klal Yisrael in 20 years. The lawyer next door may someday be sitting on the Supreme Court. If he’s deciding a case important to the Jewish community, and you were his “Jewish” friend, the impression one leaves today could have a profound impact on vast numbers of people.

An excellent example of this is President Harry Truman’s Jewish connection. While a young man, Truman’s business partner and closest friend happened to be Eddie Jacobson -- a Jew. Most likely, back in Independence, Missouri, young Harry did not meet many Jews. But when it came time for the U.N. to vote on the partitioning of Palestine when Israel had declared its independence in 1948, Jacobson’s influence as President Truman’s “Jewish” friend was pivotal to Truman’s pro-Israel policy (against the wishes of many of his advisors in the State Department). Always tell yourself, “If I’m one of the only Jews they ever really get to know, I’d better be sure that they have a positive impression of us all.”

• Taking the Show Home

Until now, we’ve discussed the subject of what I would call “external” kiddush Hashem -- a passive sort of projection of kiddush Hashem, as it relates to people we work with outside of the Jewish community. Of even greater importance is an additional aspect that I would call “internal” kiddush Hashem, the positive impact one should make on others within the Jewish community.

To begin with, each person has certain talents, and everyone has an obligation to give of some of those talents back to his own community. One can easily find ways to channel his or her strengths toward “internal” growth and improvement, creating a kiddush Hashem in the process. For example, if you are a computer programmer, volunteer a few hours a month to the local yeshivah to computerize the yeshivah’s financial and academic records, or to teach computer skills to the students. If you’re a lawyer, offer to help the shul draft its real-estate contract. If you’re a yeshivah rebbe, counsel those considering a career in chinuch. These opportunities, however, must be actively sought out. Often, they do not just come to you by themselves.

At times, one can use one’s strengths in surprising ways. While working in England a few years ago, I had developed a cordial relationship with my boss, who was chairman of the company, and in fact the only other Jew in the firm. He was not religiously observant, but since we met once a week to discuss business matters, I summoned up the guts to ask him if he would be interested in beginning our weekly meetings with a 10-minute session in Mishnayos. To my surprise, he was thrilled to do so. And so we began doing this every week. As time progressed, he came to the shiur every week not only to learn Mishnayos, but to ask questions on the parshah and halachah, as well.

• The Constant Question

As I just indicated, many of the points highlighted in this discussion apply not only to those who work in a non-Jewish environment, but to those who work in a Jewish environment, as well. Being nice to people and doing outstanding work can actually create a kiddush Hashem, and at the same time have the not-insignificant result of helping build a person’s reputation in his and her place of work. This is true whether you’re a stock broker, a rebbe or learning in a kollel. In fact, the Rambam in Hilchos Yesodei Hatorah (5:11) delineates the prescription for successful kiddush Hashem. This includes treating people well, dealing honestly in business, and keeping a positive attitude. And the notion of “internal” kiddush Hashem via volunteering some of one’s talents and time is something everyone has an obligation to do. Hashem gave each of us special abilities and talents. It is certainly expected that we share a portion of these berachos with others.

Sometimes the potential kiddush Hashem opportunity is right before you, other times you must look hard to find it. The key is to always be asking yourself, “How can I do my best to be mekadesh Shem Shamayim both externally and internally?

Near Death Experience and the Frum Jew

People who have been declared clinically dead have, at times,returned from the brink to live again. This is a fact.Usually these situations have been preceded by a life-threatening occurrence such as a fall, an accident, an allergic reaction, an electrocution, drowning etc...Sometimes people who return to life have strikingly similar accounts of their Near Death Experience or NDE. They relate very interesting, and frequently inspiring,accounts of what they experienced when their soul left their bodies and journeyed in the Afterworld and back. Most say that the experience changed their lives completely. Many aspects of these NDE's are similar without regard to the person's race or religious background. This site is unique in that it is dedicated to providing a forum for the Near Death Experiences of frum Jewish People. It is hoped that reading these stories might increase the K'vod Shomayim by further demonstrating the truth of the Afterlife and the reality of Reward and Punishment.

Please share with us your experience and try to relive it on these pages.

Thank you and Tizku l'mitzvos!

Avi Goldberg

Frum Jews on the move

Milton Keynes in Buckinghamshire could soon be the home to orthodox Jews who have decided it is time to move on from Stamford Hill in north London.

Buying a Challah on a Friday and bagels on a Sunday morning could soon become reality.

Ynetnews reports (via Reuters):

One of Europe's largest Orthodox communities needs new homes for its young families because of a shortage of affordable housing in London, and they have set their sights on a 1960s purpose-built city - Milton Keynes a city 80 km (50 miles).

Ultra-Orthodox Jews, known in Hebrew as "haredim," have lived in Stamford Hill since World War II. Now, there are around 20,000 haredim in the neighborhood in northeast London.

"(Stamford Hill) is bulging at the seams," said Jose Martin, who lives in Stamford Hill and worked as a liaison officer for the haredi community with the Hackney local council.

The plans are still in the very early stages: The Union of Orthodox Hebrew Congregations has expressed interest in buying land for 300 family homes on a site in Milton Keynes.

The Union, which represents the haredim, will be able to make a formal planning application once the master plan for the Tattenhoe Park site - which will include several residential developments - is approved by city authorities.

"It very much depends on what the planning authorities will say. We are in their hands," said Shimon Cohen, a spokesman for the haredi community group behind the Milton Keynes project.

Stamford Hill's haredim now have a year to raise the money for the construction of the new homes. Some of the houses will be put on sale, while others will be rented out.

Frum (Religious) Jews and Society

Frum (Religious) Jews and Society

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1) Why Do Frum (Religious) People Do Bad Things?

2) How Come the Rabbis Don’t Say Anything?

3) Explain the Tensions and Major Disagreements Among the Different Sects and Factions in the Orthodox Community?

4) Why Do Frum Jews Have Such Large Families? This is Especially Problematic For Those Families Who Are Dirt Poor.

5) Why Don’t Charedi (Religious) Men Go to the Army?

6) Why Do Many Frum (Religious) Men Sit and Learn Instead of Taking Care of Their Families?

7) Why Do Chasidim Wear Long Black Coats and Black Hats?

[BACK TO FAQS MAIN MENU]

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1. Why do Frum (Religious) people do bad things? (top)

Judaism is a system designed to help a person reach moral and spiritual perfection. As such it has been remarkably successful: Observant families are generally harmonious and close, kindness and charity proliferate, drugs, prostitution and alcoholism are miniscule. The overall standards of observant communities on the whole, range of desirable social characteristics, and are the envy of the broader world. Nevertheless, people have freedom of choice, and otherwise observant people may choose to act inappropriately. The truth is that all people, observant or otherwise, do some things wrong at some times. The Talmud assures us that even the greatest spiritual giants transgress the "dust of speaking badly about one's neighbor" at some time or another. We are on this earth just because we are imperfect; we are here to grow and improve.

This is not to justify the wrongs of anyone, and certainly not the wrongs done by religious people. I am merely pointing out that Orthodox people, like the rest of us, sometimes really mess up. Now Judaism definitely regards such behavior from an observant person as being much more morally repugnant. It goes so far as to call such behavior a Chilul HaSh-m, a desecration of G-d’s name, for why would someone want to keep G-d’s Torah if those who claim to do so behave in a scurrilous fashion. In fact, a Jew who lies or cheats is no different to a Jew who eats pork or doesn't pray - he is at best a partially committed observant Jew. And in one sense he is worse. For a Jew who eats pork only sins against G-d. Whereas a Jew who lies or steals, sins against man and G-d.

2. How come the Rabbis don’t say anything? (top)

This is simply not true. As an observant Jew I can tell you that the Rabbis quite clearly and forcefully give to us on every little foot we might dare to put wrong. What they do not do is hang their dirty linen in public. They are not wont to speak to the press about anything, let alone about the problems of the Orthodox community. But any reporter or anyone else who would make the slightest effort would find out the truth for himself.

3. Explain the tensions and major disagreements among the different sects and factions in the Orthodox community (top)

In the army there are different segments, each with their own specialty. There are Engineers, the Golani troops, the Paratroopers, etc., each with a different purpose and role. Naturally, each squadron will boast that it is finest in order to bolster spirit and morale. The Air Force pilots feel they are the best. The Paratroopers are certain they are the most valuable. The tankers surely believe that they are the elite. This is natural.

However, every unit is under the subordination of the Chief of Staff whose orders must be followed by every member of the armed forces, without question, and with complete compliance.

Furthermore, every soldier knows that they never fight against each other. Rather they are in battle with a common enemy and a common goal.

In the past, the Jewish nation was divided into 12 tribes, with individual characteristics and strengths. Still, they were all part of one nation, united under one leader and one G-d. Today, we no longer are divided into these divisions but we still have different ways of serving G-d השם.

The Chassidim have their unique ways of serving G-d. The Religious Zionists have their ideology. But all submit to the High Power of the Commander in Chief, הקדוש ברוך הוא. Every soldier in the Army of G-d follows the same Code of Rules and Behavior, namely the שולחן ערוך, the Code of Jewish Law. We are united with this mutual objective. It does not matter what uniform we wear, whether it be a knitted kippah, or a shtreimel. We are all soldiers in G-d's army. You, my friend, need only to accept the שולחן ערוך (the Code of Jewish Law) as your guide, and you will be guaranteed, from today on, to an eternal life in (the world to come) עולם הבא. (HaRav Amnon Yitzchak, The Jewish Press)

4. Why do Frum Jews have such large families. This is especially problematic for those families who are dirt poor. (top)

Let’s answer the second question first. Look around any Frum neighborhood: The kids look well-dressed and fed; they look happy and well-looked after. If frum people decide to forgo a fancier car and put that money into their kids, and if the kids are thriving, then that is something to admire, not to criticize.

As for the big families themselves: After the Holocaust, the world Jewish population dropped from 18 million to 12.5 million. As many as five to six million of those were in communist countries where for another 40 years, the last traces of their Judaism was being wiped out. Throughout Europe, former glorious communities were devastated, most never to be rebuilt. In Western countries, Jews were and are being lost through intermarriage at a dizzying rate. Those that remain are not replacing themselves: the overall Jewish birthrate in the States is 1.4%. In fact, almost 60 years after the Holocaust, we were able to increase our numbers to only 13.5 million. And that is about as good as it is going to get.

There is one segment of the Jewish community, the Orthodox, who really care about this tragic loss and who have a deep sense of mission about the future of the Jewish people. They are not even making up for the tragic losses of the last century, let alone contributing to a population explosion. In the light of our recent history, this question, then, simply has no place.

5. Why don’t Charedi (religious) men go to the army? (top)

To a non-Israeli:

Torah Jews believe that studying the Torah is something deeply mystical and of great importance in upholding the world[1]. But that is for a longer deeper discussion[2]. However, even on more superficial grounds, this issue can readily be understood.

Firstly, let me stress that Charedim (referring here to religious men in Israel who where black & white clothing) do go to the army: There have always been Charedim in the Israeli army – Charedim have died in battles and there are whole Charedi units. What many Charedim do, however, is get a deferment from the army while they are studying in Yeshiva. This is a deferment and not an exemption. (In practice, the army chooses not to call many of these men up later. This is because the army is trying to cut down on its manpower to save costs, so that it can concentrate on its elite forces and high technology equipment.)

Every country with a draft has a deferral for purposes of study. This was the case in South Africa when it had the draft for many years. It was the case in the USA, when there was the draft during the Vietnamese War. This is because every country recognizes that its base of scholars is a vital lifeline to the country’s present and future. Every democratically elected Israeli government has chosen to include Yeshiva students as a part of this concept[3] and every election is an opportunity for the Israeli public to elect a government that will choose to change this law.

Now, what is also true is that many Charedim are reluctant to go to the army because, although it meets some religious needs, it is hostile to others. In particular, it is insensitive to keeping the sexes separate and there is a great deal of licentiousness. The army has been slow to respond to the needs of the Charedim, partially because of its historic vision of being a melting pot for immigrants into Israeli society, a vision fashioned on a purely secular model.

Orthodox Jews have a passionate, alternative vision, one that necessitates an army, but includes a core of the finest Torah scholars allowing us all access to the finest Jewish wisdom of the ages. This vision is rooted in the historic reality that without Judaism to give content to the State, we will lose our moorings in some post-Zionist dead-end. Indeed, this unfortunate prophecy is taking place before our very eyes. The loss of Jewish values in Israeli society, together with a rapid rise in the crime rate, juvenile and spouse violence, drugs and empty materialism.

To an Israeli[4]:

This is one of the most difficult, painful issues which we all have to face together and resolve. I appreciate how strongly you feel about this issue, and it is therefore of vital importance that we search for a solution together. It is true that the issue is getting much smaller, as the army gives more and more exemptions to everyone. (Of the 22% of those eligible for the draft who got exemptions, only 8% were Charedi.) It is my hope that we, the secular and the religious communities, continue to get closer. Hopefully, the trust and respect we build up for each other will allow us to address this issue in time as well.

6. Why do many frum (religious) men sit and learn instead of taking care of their families? (top)

Every culture and civilization had its scholars. In the Western World there are hundreds of thousands of academics in thousands of universities who are paid to study, research and teach in all sorts of areas. These do not just include practical areas but also areas such as history, philosophy and anthropology.

Jews are the inheritors of the most fabulous tradition of thousands of years of wisdom. We are proud of our Torah scholars who make this wisdom accessible to all of us. Those who sit and learn do so with the active consent of their families. All involved feel privileged, and they choose to give up whatever material benefits they might have otherwise gained.

Indeed, the Torah observant world feels so grateful to these people that they support these people, and the Yeshivas (school of Torah learning) in which they learn to the tune of billions of dollars every year. So does the Israeli government, the greatest financial supporter of Torah of them all.

7. Why do Chasidim wear long black coats and black hats? (top)

There is a mistaken idea that long coats date back to the 16^th or 17^th centuries in Europe. This is not the case. The Talmud (Bava Basra) talks of a long coat as being the garment of a wise man. Such a man would wear a shirt and pants that show the shape of the body, and then would wear a long coat over that, covering the shape of the body, an extra
dimension of modesty. Indeed heads of yeshivas today generally wear such a coat, as do many, though not all Chasidim. Presumably, the Talmud is talking about a custom, which went way back, perhaps to Abraham.

And why black? Truthfully, any modest color will do, a brown, dark blue, grey, etc. Black has emerged as a current trend, but it is not intrinsic to the idea.

As for a hat, the main idea is to wear one when praying. We dress up to meet our maker. However, many have extended the idea that, as G-d’s people, we should always be dressed up (besides the convenience of the head being the best place to keep one’s hat).

There is another idea, that of the Shtreimel on Shabbat. This is the one idea that is of recent, 16^th-17^th Century origin. The kings of those times wore shtreimels, and every Jew feels like a king on Shabbat. Chasidim began the beautiful custom of dressing up like a king and indeed they have continued this beautiful custom. The kings of Europe may be almost gone, but the Jewish kings and queens in every Shabbat home remain on for eternity.

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[1] The source for torah learning aiding in security can be seen in סנהדרין מט:

'Behold, Dovid engages in matters of justice and righteousness for all his nation and Yoav the son of Tzruya is involved with the army. What is the reason that Dovid engages in matters of justice and righteousness for all his nation? Because Yoav looks after the army. And what is the reason that Yoav looks after the army? Because Dovid engages in matters of justice and righteousness for all his nation.'

It is hence derived that both physical and spiritual efforts are necessary. This point is also emphasized in the War of Midian in which 36,000 men were recruited. One third of these men were sent to the back, one third fought in the front lines and one third were sent to learn.

Further, consider that in the conquering of Eretz Canaan under the military leadership of Yehoshua, Yisachar and Levi did not participate in the physical fighting. Those exempted from duty is given at twenty %.

The war, it should be noted, was a milchemet mitzvah or war of mitzvah, war of the highest order, and yet it was still acceptable to opt out of physical fighting.

Torah study was considered integral to an army and so no complaints were hurdled at those who stayed back to study torah. Moshe, however, did levy complaints against those tribes settling on the east side of the Jordan when it was thought that they would not assist in conquering the west side. Moshe told these tribes that not assisting would be sinning to G-d. (במדבר לב:כ-כג) While some may use this source to demonstrate that the charedim are obligated to participate in the physical army (Yechezkel Cohen; Halachically Drafting Deferred Yeshiva Students; Torah VeAvodah Kibbutz Dati Publishers; Jerusalem; 5753.), this argument is erroneous. After all, the eastern tribes were not going to be furthering the war cause through torah study as was the case with the twenty percent which did not fight physically.

A further source which may appear at first blush to negate the religious stand against participating in the physical army is that '...in a war of mitzvah, all must be involved - even the groom from his room and the bride from her chuppah'. (Mishneh Sota; Perek 8; mishneh 7.) To understand this source, one needs to consider that a war of mitzvah involves the obligation to help the people of Israel from the hand of their enemy. This necessitates that every state have a standing army even without specific threat. By application, if a war is being fought and yeshiva students are needed, then they should fight. Even if there is no war but military experts nevertheless declare that a certain number of men are needed and these can only be found amongst the yeshiva students, then the halacha would likely require these men to be trained because they are bound by 'war of mitzvah' as defined above. Today, where there is no active war, the service of the yeshiva students would only be required if a military expert indicated the unique need for the service of this group. To date, this has not occurred. Hence, the service of the yeshiva students is dispensable.

[2] The idea that the Torah holds up the world needs an extensive introduction. It is worth pursuing this explanation, but only if one has the time. I have chosen a simpler explanation for the three minute version.

[3] The religious deferral is derived in law from the inclusion in S. 36 of "or other reasons". The deferrals, interestingly, precede the establishment of the State and hence precede the legal structure, or laws, of the State. On March 9, 1948, two months prior to the establishment of the State, a directive came from the Rosh Hamateh Ha-Artzi, Yehuda Gelili, to exempt yeshiva students from security service. This order is attributed to the direction of David Ben-Gurion, Minister of Security. This practice of deferrals was then accorded additional weight by David Ben-Gurion who proclaimed in a 1949 letter to Rabbi Yitzchak Meir Levine, head of Agudat Yisrael and also its representative in government, that he agreed to postpone conscription of yeshiva students for whom 'toratam umnatam' (their studying of torah is their craft/profession). A 1953 assembly of the Knesset again shows David Ben-Gurion supporting this position. It may be noted that while the deferral of yeshiva students was not explicitly enumerated in the law, the law has been interpreted traditionally to include them.

In subsequent years, the conditions surrounding the deferral of yeshiva students were broadened. Occasionally, attempts were made to thwart the legal deferral but these were obstructed, leaving intact the legal authority for deferral from army service. Examples of this development include 1954 attempts by Minister of Security, Pinchas Levine, to draft all yeshiva students who had studied for four years after the legal draft age. Moshe Sharet, then head of state, subsequently instructed him not to do so. In 1968, Minister of Security, Moshe Dayan, indicated in an article in the newspaper 'HaAretz' that he advised not to draft against their will those individuals who believed fully in their study of torah. A final example can be seen in Minister of Security Shimon Peres's 1975 attempt to limit new deferrals every year to 800. This measure was in force only until 1977 when Minister of Security Ezer Weizman cancelled it.

S. 36 of Israel's Security Service Law (1986 edition) indicates that the Minister of Security is authorized to order dismissals from regular service or reserve service of Israel's National Defence Army for 'reasons connected to needs of education, secure settling, state security, or for reasons of family or other reasons...’ That same year, as a result of the increase in deferrals, MK Geula Cohen requested an investigation into the matter of the deferrals. Interestingly, Minister of Security Yitzchak Rabin was noted to have said at the time that the 'deferral from service is anchored in law and in custom from the time of the establishment of the Israeli Defence Forces (Tzahal) and that there is nothing new which would justify changing that which existed from the beginning (of the State)'.

In 2000, the supreme Court ruled that the arrangements for Yeshiva deferment were illegal and instructed the legislature to enact more appropriate laws. Subsequently, a series of temporary enactments valid for up to two years, were promulgated.

[4] My experience has been that most Israelis are just too passionate about this issue to begin a serious discussion about this.

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SimpleToRemember.com - Judaism Online

Downfall of a Young and Ambitious Assemblyman Stuns His Constituents

By LISA W. FODERARO and JENNIFER MEDINA

MONSEY, N.Y., May 26 — For Rockland County, Ryan S. Karben was nothing less than a political dynamo. He was appointed to the planning board in the Town of Ramapo at age 18. In 2002, he had already served two terms in the County Legislature when he won a State Assembly seat at 28, becoming the youngest state lawmaker in New York.

Described variously as ambitious, energetic, smart and ubiquitous, Mr. Karben, a Democrat, stood out for more than his youth, however. "He was a shining star," said Nicole Doliner, secretary of the Clarkstown Democratic Committee in Rockland. "He was very inspiring. He would give a speech and you would say, 'Wow, let's go.' He really believed what he said."

But his rising political fortunes came crashing down a week ago when he abruptly resigned from the Assembly, saying only that he wanted to spend more time with his wife and their three young daughters.

It did not take long for the back story to emerge. According to several Assembly officials who were briefed on the matter, Mr. Karben quit his post after being confronted with allegations that he brought three Assembly interns to a home he owns in Albany and watched pornography with them there.

Rather than face an investigation, which could include public censure, Mr. Karben chose to step down, the officials said.

Eileen Larrabee, a spokeswoman for the Assembly, said she could neither confirm nor deny that a complaint had been filed against Mr. Karben, who would not comment for this article.

His political fall apparently brought his law career down with it, at least for now. The firm in Spring Valley where Mr. Karben, a Columbia Law School graduate, had been a partner for three years wasted no time in removing his name from the lobby directory. Howard M. Gurock, a partner, confirmed that Mr. Karben's employment was terminated, but he declined to elaborate.

"I was surprised when I heard that he resigned from the Assembly and I was even more surprised when I heard the allegations against him," he said. "It seemed very out of character."

Across the 95th District that Mr. Karben represented, which includes Orangetown and parts of Ramapo, there was a sense of disbelief on Friday among constituents who had shaken his hand at school functions and watched him march in parades.

Mr. Karben is an Orthodox Jew and quickly became a leader in that community, which has grown substantially in the county in recent years. Internet blogs geared toward Orthodox Jews were buzzing about his resignation, as were residents in his district.

Some were reserving judgment, saying they wanted more facts. Others wondered how the circumstances would reflect on the community.

Most seemed to view the situation as a tragedy. "It's very sad," said David Chapman, 42, an Orthodox Jew who owns an office supply business. "It sounds like he was intentionally brought down. Maybe some people thought he was rising too fast in the political arena. Maybe some of the older ones were jealous."

Even the mail carrier on the quiet suburban street where he lives in Monsey rallied to Mr. Karben's defense, barking at a reporter parked outside Mr. Karben's sprawling Colonial house to leave him alone. On Friday, Mr. Karben came to the door but would not open it, telling a reporter through a frosted glass window to call him on his cellphone.

In a phone message that Mr. Karben left later, he said, "I'm not going to have any further comment beyond the two statements I've already issued on this."

Neither of those statements addressed his reasons for resigning. In one, he said, "My focus has, understandably, shifted from concern for a constituency of 130,000 to a constituency of 4."

The accusations against Mr. Karben reignited talk in Albany about where to draw the line in socializing with interns.

"The culture here is terrible," said Thomas K. Duane, a Democratic state senator from Manhattan who has pressed the legislative leaders to revamp sexual harassment policies. "You have people in these upper-level jobs who just don't get the enormous power they have over the young people who work here."

The Assembly had recently adopted a policy banning fraternization with interns, who are typically college seniors and juniors, after Adam Clayton Powell IV was accused of raping a 19-year-old intern in 2004; the charges were later dropped.

While some critics saw Mr. Karben as combative, arrogant and impulsive, friends and supporters called him articulate, gregarious and thoughtful. He became a vocal presence on several committees, unafraid to buck the leadership. He was a formidable fund-raiser, too: in his latest campaign finance filing, his re-election committee had more than $500,000. (Only a few other lawmakers, each in office for decades, had more cash on hand.)

And Mr. Karben, who was relentless in his pursuit of publicity, certainly had bigger ambitions, hinting at the possibility that he would one day run for governor.

Born in the Bronx, Mr. Karben attended Yeshiva University and married his high school sweetheart while in college.

Adam T. Bradley, an assemblyman from White Plains, quickly became friends with Mr. Karben when the two were first-year lawmakers in 2002. "It was always clear that he had a glowing commitment to his family," Mr. Bradley said.

"I hoped it was some kind of dream that I would wake up from," Mr. Bradley said, referring to the circumstances surrounding Mr. Karben's resignation. "He had a caliber of discussion and personality that I am going to miss."

Lisa W. Foderaro reported from Monsey, N.Y., for this article and Jennifer Medina from Albany.

The Internet is revolutionizing closed Orthodox communities and exposing long-hidden sexual abuse allegations — and not everyone is happy about it.

Jennifer Friedlin - Special To The Jewish Week

Is computer technology shifting the balance of power in Brooklyn’s insular, fervently Orthodox community?

In the 1980s, two prominent Flatbush rabbis allegedly closed the door on a burgeoning sexual abuse scandal by preventing a rabbinical court proceeding from taking place. Now, two decades later, an Internet blog has reinvigorated the allegations, resulting in two multimillion-dollar lawsuits against a rabbi, a yeshiva and a summer camp for boys.

“Without the Internet, this story never would have been brought to light,” said Un-Orthodox Jew, the anonymous blogger who last year began posting angry diatribes about the alleged abuse and cover-up on www.theunorthodoxjew.blogspot.com.

On the blog, Un-Orthodox Jew, who also goes by UOJ and claims to have deep ties in the “black hat” world, stated that Rabbi Yehuda Kolko sexually abused a number of male students at Yeshiva and Mesivta Torah Temimah in Flatbush and at Camp Agudah in Ferndale, N.Y., while Rabbi Lipa Margulies, the head of the school, allegedly helped to protect him at the expense of the victims. All told, three former students of Rabbi Kolko allege abuse against him in the two lawsuits.

While the blog has generated heaps of scorn among readers — some people have said UOJ’s Web posts were less acceptable than the alleged acts they were revealing — the Web site has also elicited support as well as a response from at least one alleged victim.

David Framowitz, a 48-year-old former student who now lives in Israel with his family, says he first came across the blog while searching for Rabbi Kolko’s name on the Internet. His story was chronicled in a May 22 New York Magazine story.

“I was always typing in Kolko’s name looking to see if anyone else was molested,” he told The Jewish Week in a telephone interview last week. “Then one day, I Googled Kolko and all of a sudden it was there.”

Framowitz posted his story to the UOJ blog, claiming that Kolko repeatedly molested him 36 years ago while he was a seventh and eighth grade student at Torah Temimah and during two summers at Camp Agudah. He said he told his parents, but they did not believe him. Now, he wrote, he was coming out because he felt the time had come to tear down “the wall of silence.”

In response to the posts, UOJ put Framowitz in touch with Jeffrey Herman, a Miami-based lawyer who has litigated sex abuse cases against the Catholic Church. Herman took the case. He is also representing two other plaintiffs who go by John Doe 2 and John Doe 3 in the complaints. The complaints, filed in Brooklyn Federal Court, all name Rabbi Kolko and Yeshiva and Mesivta Torah Temimah as defendants, while the complaint on behalf of Framowitz and John Doe 2 also names Camp Agudah.

Although Rabbi Margulies is not a defendant in the case, the complaint states that Rabbi Margulies threatened to expel from the school and ostracize from the community any child who spoke of the abuse. Herman said that Margulies also enlisted Rabbi Pinchus Scheinberg to help quell the fire by telling victims that sexual abuse had not taken place because there was no penetration. After allegedly thwarting two beit dins, Rabbi Margulies told anyone who asked that Kolko had been exonerated, according to last week’s New York Magazine expose. No one ever went to the authorities.

Avi Moskowitz, a lawyer representing Torah Temimah, told The Jewish Week that the yeshiva “emphatically denies the allegations” and has put Kolko on administrative leave.

Rabbi David Zwiebel, a representative of Agudath Israel of America, the owner of the camp, said that officials in his organization had not heard of any allegations against Rabbi Kolko, who apparently left the camp’s employ of his own accord in the mid-1970s.

“There is nobody currently in the administration who has any recollection from that time,” Zwiebel said.

Rabbi Kolko and Rabbi Margulies declined to comment, while Scheinberg, who is 93 and lives in Israel, could not be reached.

While the statute of limitations has expired for a criminal investigation or a civil lawsuit, Herman said he believes that because of the alleged cover-up the plaintiffs would have the right to pursue the civil action.

Herman also noted that a 22-year-old has come forward with allegations against Rabbi Kolko, but he declined to provide details. If that case moves forward, it could fall within the statute of limitations for a criminal investigation, according to Herman.

Besides blogging, UOJ — who said he will not reveal his identity because it would deflect attention from his cause — said he tried several other avenues to bring the allegations to light, from writing letters to Jewish and secular newspapers to sending a letter about Rabbis Kolko and Margulies to thousands of religious families throughout Brooklyn. But, he said, no one wanted to listen.

“I have submitted letters to the editor and as long as they were non-controversial they were accepted. But once I started snooping around about issues no one was dealing with, my letters were not published,” said UOJ, who describes himself as somewhere between 30 and 40 years of age, observant and married with children. He also says that he comes from a prominent Orthodox family that made a fortune in real estate.

Working as an Internet-based Robin Hood, UOJ said his sole interest in starting his blog was to rattle the cocoon of Orthodoxy, which, he claims, has enabled those in power to exploit their followers.

Experts who advocate on behalf of sex abuse victims have applauded UOJ’s efforts. They say that because many Orthodox communities prohibit people from going to secular authorities with allegations of abuse and that abusers often go unpunished, the Internet provides one of the only vehicles religious people have for accessing support.

“In the Orthodox world people don’t watch TV, they don’t listen to the radios, they don’t read the papers but everyone seems to be sneaking onto the Internet,” said Vicky Polin, executive director of the Awareness Center, a Baltimore-based advocacy group for victims of sexual assault.

Yet others worry about the Internet’s potential for abuse.

Rabbi Kenneth Brander, the dean of Yeshiva University’s Center for the Jewish Future, said he thought that recent Internet chatter is “a reflection of the fact that victims have not felt heard on this issue.” Nevertheless, he expressed concern about the harm a vengeful or mistaken blogger could inflict on an innocent person.

“Not everything on a Web site can be treated as truth,” Brander said.

Whether or not the Internet proves helpful or hurtful or a bit of both, most community observers say the Web has forever changed the way Orthodox individuals interact with the world.

“The Internet poses an incredibly serious threat to the status quo in these communities — as it does to any society that controls information and suppresses public dissent,” said Hella Winston, a sociologist and author of “Unchosen: The Hidden Lives of Hasidic Rebels.”

“The fact that David Framowitz was able to connect with UOJ from half a world away, in only a few seconds, is nothing short of revolutionary,” she said.

In the wake of the lawsuits and the New York magazine article, UOJ said he has received more than 400,000 hits to his site. Meanwhile, the alleged abuse has also become a hot topic on other Jewish blogs.

On the Chaptzem blog (http://chaptzem.blogspot.com/), which describes itself as “the one and only heimishe news center,” the host wrote:

“The whole Kolko-Margulies story has brought to light some very important questions regarding child abuse. How do we as a community deal with allegations of abuse? How do we decide if they are founded or fabricated? … Also, even if the allegations are founded how do we go about stopping it? How far do we go?”

According to UOJ, such questions have been a long time coming. n

Shmuley Boteach helps restore harmony

By JOHN CHADWICK The (Hackensack) Record

The family is in crisis.

The parents, Luis and Beatriz, have divorced after her discovery of his infidelity.

Their four children are running amok, punching, kicking and even swinging a broom at one another.

“It’s gotten to the point where I want to strangle them,” Beatriz says.

But an unlikely rescuer is about to enter their home — with camera in tow.

Meet Shmuley Boteach, an Orthodox rabbi from Englewood, N.J., and host of “Shalom in the Home” — a new television reality show and the first to have a rabbi as its star.

Boteach amiably enters the lives of troubled families every week, probing their problems and trying to restore harmony.

“Her home has become a virtual war zone,” he declared at the start of the April 10 debut episode, featuring Luis and Beatriz. “The kids are out of control, and Beatriz is out of her mind with despair.”

On the surface, it could be just another show, like “Nanny 911,” or “Wife Swap,” that shines an unflattering and exploitative light on a dysfunctional American family.

But “Shalom in the Home,” which runs Monday nights on The Learning Channel, strikes a different tone by using a rabbi to quell the quarreling.

Boteach, a 39-year-old maverick and best-selling author, is known for penning books like “Kosher Sex” that apply traditional Jewish wisdom to the modern conundrums of love, sex and marriage.

Rather than engage in the typical reality-show shtick of berating and humiliating his guests, Boteach (pronounced Boe-tay-ach) plays the role of family therapist and mensch as he travels each week to a new household hot spot.

“The whole purpose is to inspire the best behavior in people,” Boteach said in an interview. “I want to show parents that their roles are heroic and sacred, no matter how society may define success.”

The show’s debut season has, if nothing else, chronicled the diverse state of 21st-century parenthood: The heads of household have included a lesbian couple, a widow and two previously divorced parents jointly raising their children from their first marriages.

Their problems are just as diverse.

A couple — identified by pseudonyms — ask Boteach to help tame their chronically cantankerous 9-year-old daughter.

“I’m not sure if this family needs a rabbi or an exorcist,” Boteach quips at the start.

But within minutes, he shows how the daughter is learning her abusive behavior from watching her father bully her mother.

“You were showing your daughter that your wife is a punching bag that she can beat up on as well,” he tells the father.

Other families are stuck in quiet ruts.

One show focused on a Muslim family in which the parents’ busy lives drained the romance from their relationship.

“Shmuley did a fantastic job of improving the relationship between me and my wife,” the husband, Ali Waxman, said in an interview. “He was able to point out that mom and dad have to provide a loving relationship for one another in order for the children to see that as an example.”

“This is a big risk for The Learning Channel,” Boteach said. “Can a show hosted by a rabbi make it in prime time?”

Although Boteach fits the image of an Orthodox Jew with his yarmulke, beard and eight children, there’s no preaching or even any mention of Judaism on the show.

Yet Boteach sees “Shalom in the Home” as a pulpit for exploring the most basic of Jewish values: sanctification of the home and family.

His earnest, gentle approach with the families — most of whom aren’t Jewish — reflects his belief in Judaism as a universal force to inspire good behavior.

“From the time I was 16, I believed Judaism has a wider message that could help heal the world of a very high divorce rate,” Boteach said. “Judaism is not focused on the grand mysteries of the universe but on the small questions in life: How do you behave? How do you treat others?”

Some observers say the show’s effort to distill Jewish wisdom for a general audience has rarely been attempted.

“He’s trying to take an ancient tradition that has been familial, tribal and inwardly focused, and translate it into an American idiom so it can benefit the larger society,” said Rabbi Irwin Kula of the National Jewish Center for Learning and Leadership, a Jewish think tank in Manhattan. “He’s essentially bringing the Torah to the marketplace of ideas, and there are very few people doing this.”

Boteach is no stranger to family strife. He said the show, like his books, was born from the pain of his own parents’ divorce when he was 8. He moved to Miami with his mother while his father stayed in Los Angeles.

“I was probably the only kid in my class whose parents were divorced,” he said. “It made me feel weird, uncomfortable and very unhappy. But I decided I would use this turbulence as a blessing.”

Boteach said he encounters many fathers, like Luis in the first episode, suffering from what he calls the “broken American male syndrome” — a deep feeling of failure in a culture that reveres the likes of Donald Trump and Bill Gates.

“Luis’ friends start making more money than he is, and so he feels like a loser,” Boteach said. “But then the woman he meets in a bar one night who is young and attractive ... makes him feel like a winner.

“And you do dumb things to be a winner.”

Boteach begins the episode, as he does the others, by observing the family’s behavior on closed-circuit TV from his trailer — the “Shalom Mobile Home.” Then he engages mom, dad and the kids in conversation and activities to get at the root of the problem.

When he brings Luis and Beatriz into the trailer for their first face-to-face talk since the divorce, the tension is so thick that Boteach warns: “If someone gets knocked out today, it might just be me.”

The parents stay divorced. But by the end of the show, Boteach has persuaded the couple to continue working together to stabilize the chaotic household.

“Get in there and be ... the man you failed to be,” Boteach tells Luis at the end. “There are second chances in life.”



© 2006 Times Leader and wire service sources. All Rights Reserved.
http://www.timesleader.com

It could be Jew?

Leslie Bunder

Big Brother

Jewish Big Brother wannabes are set to splash out on Kit Kats in the hope that one of them will emerge as the second only Jewish housemate following Justine from Leeds in series four.

A number of orthodox Jews are among those who will be bulk buying the choccy bar especially as it is listed as approved for those keeping kosher by the London Beth Din.

TV producer Endemol has teamed up with chocolate company Nestle to offer 100 people the chance to compete for a place in Big Brother 7 which starts on Channel 4 on May 18.

Special packs of Kit Kat will go on sale on May 18 and reminiscent of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory will contain a golden ticket that offers a chance for a person to get on to the hit reality TV programme.

"We are always looking at new ways of trying to find brilliant housemates and the golden ticket feels like a genuinely exciting way to do so," said Angela Jain, Channel 4's Big Brother commissioning editor.

According to an Endemol insider, if an orthodox Jew did emerge as a contestant, they would ensure that their religious needs for keeping kosher and observing shabbat would be meet. "We make sure vegetarians can have what they need to survive in the Big Brother, so there's nothing stopping someone who is Jewish and even orthodox as we would give them an area for preparing food as well as respecting their religious observance."

"I'm really excited about this," said Stoke Newington resident Ben. The 23-year-old frum fan from north London wants to be a Matisyahu for TV reality shows. "Matisyahu shows how orthodox can rock, so why not let the public see someone like myself or my friends in the Big Brother house. Last series had a Muslim, it's about time for another Jew."

Another frummer from Golders Green, north west London, Dovid is also keen to take part. "I'd love to do something like this, it looks like something that could be good fun."

Are you a Jewish Big Brother hopeful and planning to buy Kit Kat for a chance to appear on the show? Share you story with SomethingJewish. Write to: leslie@somethingjewish.co.uk

University City woman makes a modest fashion statement

By Debra D. Bass
ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH
Thursday, May. 11 2006

As springtime temperatures settle in and steamy weather looms, heavy winter
wear is being shuttled to the back of the closet.

Hemlines will rise, necklines will drop and, without fail, standards of decency
will be challenged. Deciding how much to bare is a personal choice but, if your
choice is to dress conservatively, your options are often limited. Clothing
trends skewed toward the youthful and wannabe-youthful market feature fitted
garments in questionable cuts that are snipping away at the fabric of modesty.

Rachel Lubchansky of University City doesn't necessarily feel more comfortable
shedding layers when the mercury rises. She suspects that she isn't alone.

In August, she launched an online boutique called Funky Frum
(www.funkyfrum.com). Today, she has customers in 30 states and four countries.

Her mission is to offer modest clothing for the modern woman. All of her skirts
are knee-length or longer, and sleeves are at least to the elbow. Some
necklines plunge, but Lubchansky shows them with tank tops layered underneath.

"People have the sense that modest has to be drab or dowdy, but it can be
stylish and current with the trends," says Lubchansky, who has a degree in
fashion marketing from the Fashion Institute of Technology in New York.

Wearing a brown beret, white embroidered peasant blouse and skirt, she says:
"You can be fashionable and covered up."

The styles on her site are not unique, but what makes Funky Frum different is
its overriding focus on Lubchansky's modesty standards. With that in mind,
there are plenty of multihued, contemporary items that will appeal to the girl
who wants to be noticed and complimented but not ogled.

By the way, "frum" is not short for "frumpy." It's actually a Yiddish word that
loosely translates to "religious observant," although Lubchansky, who is
Jewish, insists that she's not making a religious statement or trying to
proselytize about fashion.

"I'm not on a mission to change how other people dress," says Lubchansky, 28.
"I'm not judgmental like that. People should wear whatever makes them
comfortable, but right now, in my life, I'm more comfortable being more modest,
and I want to offer clothing that appeals to others who feel the same way."

She didn't always feel that way. She says there was a time when she was not
observing her faith and she wore clothing better described as immodest.

Then one day, she woke up and found that she had mentally outgrown the clothes
in her closet.

"I became really aware of how people looked at me, and I just didn't want to go
out in dazzling sparkly tops anymore," Lubchansky says.

After nine months in business, Funky Frum has already expanded to offer plus
sizes that feature stylish cuts meant to be colorful, feminine and form
flattering, rather than covered up and hidden.

Her plans include expanding into accessories, youth and petite apparel and
perhaps working on her own line of original Funky Frum clothing with husband
Adam Lubchansky - a mechanical engineer by day and aspiring fashion designer by
night.

dbass@post-dispatch.com 314-340-8236

A Decade At-Risk

A 1999 study conducted by the Metropolitan Council on Jewish Poverty titled "The Incidence of At-Risk Youth in Brooklyn, New York," found that Brooklyn's 23,000-student yeshiva system includes some 1,500 at-risk youth.

A 1999 study conducted by the Metropolitan Council on Jewish Poverty titled "The Incidence of At-Risk Youth in Brooklyn, New York," found that Brooklyn̓s 23,000-student yeshiva system includes some 1,500 at-risk youth.

According to the study, 6.6 percent of 14- to 17-year-old Orthodox Jews in Brooklyn are considered at-risk, with problems ranging in severity from drinking and drug abuse to feelings of isolation and learning disabilities.

Ten years have passed since the expression "at-risk" first entered the vernacular. It was applied to the growing frequency of highly atypical behavior within some groups of Orthodox youth.

Within a short period of time, community leaders, parents and educators began to warn of a dire crisis. From the grim jeremiads, it appeared as if all youth, practically overnight, were being swept away by the most challenging threat since the so-called Enlightenment in Europe.

Were community elders correct to sound this alarm? After all, adults of so many prior generations had decried the lack of respect and motivation, diminished education and sagging mores of the youth of their day. What was so different a decade ago from any previous period?

Frankly, it was drug use that made such a difference. At that point, the Jewish community was suited to deal with most any crisis. From the haskalah to the Holocaust, Jews have historically reacted, with variable measures of success, to preserve the survival and vitality of individual Jews committed to Torah and mitvzos. But drug abuse was the shocking line in the sand parents and communal leaders never imagined having to cross.

Conventional wisdom always dictated that Jews don̓t drink; kal vachomer, drugs were not a problem. Nevertheless, growing anecdotal observation paired with hard facts supplied by police, Hatzolah, and reliable Torah educators led to the startling realization that drugs (and drinking) were now becoming an increasingly larger part of the equation.

But was drug abuse really so new? If history has taught us anything, it̓s that Orthodox Jews are hardly impervious to the lures of outside influence. Without question there have been countless, albeit mostly invisible, cases of Orthodox Jews addicted to drugs and other stimulants. But also true is that in the not-so-distant past, a typical yeshiva bochur or Bais Yaakov girl could easily go from kindergarten through beis medrash or seminary without ever so much as seeing a narcotic substance – let alone having to dodge invitations to get high on the roof of or behind the yeshiva.

By the mid-1990̓s this was no longer the case. The drug culture so prevalent in secular society had entered the Orthodox community and ensnared boys and girls from even the finest homes and schools. All tpes of drugs were available through the traditional drug trade and, most shocking, through a network of the newest, most dangerous players in this new reality: yeshiva students with seemingly no qualms about providing poison to their classmates and friends.

Gradually it became less uncommon to see rowdy throngs of Jewish teens – clearly from frum homes, dressed in tattered jeans and oversized sweatshirts, some with multiple piercings and odd facial hair – standing aimlessly on busy thoroughfares like Ocean Parkway, 13^th Avenue, or Cedarhurst̓s Central Avenue at all times of day and night.

It also became less rare for parents to silently endure the agony of having an unfamiliar, often unpleasant child in their homes – a virtual stranger to family and religion – while struggling to shield others in the household from his or her influence.

Crack in the Status Quo

Perhaps we can establish that drugs represented genuine uncharted territory. Andperhaps we can conclude with reasonable certainty that drugs were the result of secular influence. Still, the question remains: Why now? Barry Wilansky, executive director of the Tempo Group and a well-respected substance abuse counselor to families and school systems for more than thirty years, believes the fault lies with a crack in the status quo.

The entry of drugs into the frum world is "a complex issue, not due to any one specific event in the Orthodox community," says Wilansky. "Rather, the middle 1990̓s, which brought substantial changes in technology and media, and an across-the-board redistribution of wealth, caused shifts that had a catastrophic impact on our community."

The Internet and cable television are Wilansky̓s prime culprits. "These brought new, damaging, influences directly into homes," he says. Print and other media, he feels, by practically erasing the limits and boundaries of promiscuity and behavioral dysfunction previously maintained by secular standards-bearers, also delivered new lows in negative values.

"Greater and newfound wealth in our communities was also a huge factor," he says. Suddenly, school-age children had access to a degree of wealth and consumption that simply did not exist for previous generations.

Meanwhile, parents, in their efforts to generate and perpetuate this prosperity, were increasingly absent. "The combination was corrosive and explosive."

Wilansky also fingers Jewish white-collar crime. "Before the early- to mid-1980̓s, it was nearly inconceivable for a religious Jew to be publicly connected to criminal activity. The increasing occurrence and celebration of such behavior has had long-lasting, deeply ingrained traumatic effects on the current generation." Laws concerning drug use, he adds, may have become just one more set of rules considered no big deal to break.

Wilansky also points to the educational system and attitudes driving it. For generations, the goal of professional advancement was de rigueur among American Jews. There̓s more than a little truth behind all those classic Jewish mother jokes about doctors and lawyers. However, he says, "as wealth and material comforts became more routine among frum Jews, and less a vague goal ofaspiring to financial security, parents began driving their children to succeed not as much for the sake of [intellectual pursuits], but rather to afford the lifestyle to which they were accustomed."

His view is of a wholesale shift in values and priorities that relegated the spiritual and intellectual goals of traditional Jewish education to a back seat. "The pressure to succeed became enormous. It left many kids searching for something else."

Crying for Spiritual Food

Wilansky̓s explanation cleanly meshes with themes championed by Rabbi Shaya Cohen. Rabbi Cohen, a reluctant visionary who in 1987 established an interconnected kollel, beis medrash and advanced Torah resource center called Priority-1, shifted gears in 1996 to address the growing problem of youths in crisis.

Rabbi Cohen credits the switch to a daily phone call from one of his supporters; "an astoundingly prescient man who was heartbroken by what he saw was a gaping rend in the frum community̓s fabric." Rabbi Cohen made it his goal to stem the tide of drug abuse and "at-risk" behavior through an alternative high school that provided one-on-one attention and early intervention for at-risk youths and families.

Ever since, Rabbi Cohen̓s oft-repeated anthem has been validation: "Give Jewish kids validation and a sense of value and personal stake in their own success" he declares, "and they will inherently realize that drug, alcohol, physical gratification, and criminal behavior are a dead end."

According to Rabbi Cohen, the unconscious trend to drain authentic spirituality from Torah education was a serious case of "letting our children down at the worst time possible." He explains how "just when all these negative secular influences were at their strongest, leading Jewish kids to act out in ways never seen before, the whole focus in education shifts to who is the best learner, who are the top bochurim, who is dressing the way he or she is supposed to, and rejecting any and all who isn̓t, aren̓t, and doesn̓t."

Rabbi Cohen shrugs his head as he describes a community that created impossible molds that few can fit and retain any shred of individuality. "We spawned a generation of Jewish children who are starving for validation, and in their hunger turn elsewhere in shame, misery, and frustration," he says.

Defining Deviancy Up

A point Rabbi Cohen likes to make about preventing youths from teetering toward the edge of at-risk behavior is that parents and teachers have to make them feel good about being religious.

"When a child is brought up frum, his religious identity is a significant part of his being," says Rabbi Cohen. "If you start indicating the child̓s a failure at being frum, the hurt cuts deep."

When connecting dots like these, it makes sense that the changing focus of the mainstream to superficial attributes such as dress, material advancement, and endurance in learning left otherwise fine, erliche Jewish teens reeling. What choice would they have but to feel unfulfilled and worthless as Jews and, by extension, as people – especially when compared to co-religionists who excelled at maintaining these new standards?

The scenario brings to mind the wise admonition of the late Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan, who warned against "defining deviancy down." The senator̓s concern was that liberal policy thinkers of the time were allowing deviant behavior to become a societal norm.

In our case, by perpetrating the very opposite – by defining deviancy up – we labeled normal Jewish teens, struggling with lures and influences that were unimaginable a generation ago, as deviants. By demanding unrealistically high standards of excellence, the mainstream closed the doors on teens who needed help – simply because they needed it.

How do so many Jewish children become at-risk – and in very real of being lost forever? It̓s because these are the ones who fell beyond the boundaries of newly redrawn expectations of frum behavior. These are the ones who found little alternative to heading in another direction.

Help – Don̓t Pity

Seventeen years ago, Rabbi Dovid Weissman, founder of Yeshiva Toras Yisroel, an alternative mesivta in Flatbush, was asked to work with a group of boys who, had they been born a few years later, would have been labeled "at risk."

"Back then," says Rabbi Weissman, "the serious issues were mostly related to emuna and poshut frumkeit. Drugs became more of a problem in the 90̓s." Still, this was the beginning of Rabbi Weisman̓s long career helping at-risk teens.

Even today, Rabbi Weissman̓s bochurim don̓t abuse drugs. "You can̓t work with a kid on drugs," he says. "The only way to help is if you get them off drugs first." Rabbi Weissman doesn̓t view this perspective as uniquely his own. "This is something we all learned after we started working with at-risk teens."

Rabbi Weissman recalls how when the at-risk crisis was first widely identified, many favored the approach of showering troubled youths with pity, unconditional love and acceptance – while asking nothing in return. "But this isn̓t solving the problem," he says. "It̓s enabling the problem."

"Teens at risk lack the personal validation they need to function as happy, productive people," he continues. "If you only give pity and unconditional benefits, they̓re not growing. In addition to love and understanding, they also need conditions, demands, goals, structure, and responsibility. Everything but pity."

For parents, Rabbi Weissman strongly advocates structure and knowing when to bend. He tells a story about the parents of a boy he taught. "I told [the parents] they were too hard on him, that despite his difficulties he was a very good boy. So the mother says to me, ʻBut he goes to movies.̓ I was surprised she was stuck on this point; I mean he was already veering toward drugs – really serious issues.

"I said, ʻYou know, it may not be the best thing for a yeshiva boy to be going to movies, but he could go to movies and still be frum.̓" Rabbi Weissman shakes his head as he continues. "The mother looked at me and said, ʻWhat do you mean?̓"

He says parents must always look out for their children, but "you have to close an eye sometimes and remember the bigger picture."

Validation Is All You Need

Rabbi Cohen mentions another, very illuminating way to view the problem of drugs in the frum community. "Drugs are not the problem. Rather, they̓re a symptom of spiritual emptiness and a lack of simcha in serving Hashem. A child feels empty inside because his neshoma is crying out for some spiritual food. Often the mind misunderstands and tries to feed the hunger with drugs, booze, and physical gratification."

Conversely, Rabbi Cohen feels that for children who see joy in Yiddishkeit – who feel validation, purpose, and meaning, "you could dump all the temptations and filth and drugs and secular depravity over their head and they̓re capable of withstanding the temptation. That is how important and how powerful happiness and purpose are."

To help teens find validation, Rabbi Cohen urges parents and rebbeim to help children feel successful at being religious. How? "Talk to them," he says. "Listen. Answer questions. Elevate the concept of hashgacha pratis. Rejoice in mitzvos. Demonstrate joy in being Jewish and serving Hashem."

If those steps are carefully followed, Rabbi Cohen says, "the only ʻrisk̓ your children face is losing the sense of pointlessness and purposelessness in life and religion so many teenagers wallow in. Instead, they find and feel joy, happiness and validation everywhere they turn."

Dr. David Pelcovitz, the Straus Chair Professor in Education and Psychology at Yeshiva University̓s Azrieli Graduate School of Jewish Education and Administration and a leading expert on family trauma and at-risk youth, agrees. "Kids who have joy in their lives typically don̓t drift," he says.

Dr. Pelcovitz sees youths at risk as youths who are in pain and crying for help.

"A colleague," he relates, "once asked a group of at-risk teens, ʻIf I could give you a pill that would transform you overnight into a normal, functioning member of the community, who fits in and feels comfortable with other people, would you take it?̓ Every single one said they̓d do it in a second."

Avi Fertig (avi@writersandco.com) is a freelance writer.