60 Ways to Appear Frummer
1. Shave your wife¹s Head.
2. Play with the beard.....The more you twirl it the better.
3. Do the 'Thumb Dip' (The lower you dip, the frummer you look).
4. Whenever quoting a Gemara in order to paskin, never quote from a Mesechta that has anything to do with the subject. For example: If the question is: What bracha do I make on Apple Sauce? Do NOT quote from Mesechta Brachos (that¹s too logical), quote something from Gittin! Always say, "I heard Rav Feinstein say," even if you weren't alive when he was.
5. Always quote 'The Rosh Yeshiva'. Everyone will obviously know who you're talking about!
6. Whenever you're quoting someone to prove that you are right in an argument, always quote a name that is an acronym (i.e. Rashi, Ramban, etc). Heck, you can even use your own name, it won't make a difference! Frum thinking clearly states that, "if someone is commonly referred to by an acronym, he must be right!"
7 ***DO NOT do this!!! This is NOT frumm!!!*** Bring up a siddur when called up for an aliyah, and say the brachos on the Torah from it. VERY not frumm.
8. Have tons of children.
9. When davening with a minyan, remember its very important to say out loud the first three (some hold four) words out loud, and then mumble the rest quietly.
10. "I don¹t hold by that Rav."
11. Always call your children by their first TWO names. i.e. Sara Yehudis, Yisroel Meyer, Pesach Yehuda, Noach Areyah, Shlomo HaMelech, etc. How many REAL frummies do you know with only one first name?
12. Put Hebrew dates on everything, and stop using civil dates altogether.
13. In the supermarket, peer into you neighbors basket and say, "You eat that type of cheese?"
14. Translate everything you say, everytime you say it. i.e. Chazal-our sages. This will demean your listener as uneducated and suggest that he can't remember the translation from one time to the next.
15. ***Do NOT do this!!! This is NOT frumm!!*** Sing that uppity NCSY benching tune.
16. Must speak in that annoying Brooklyn accent.
17. Meditation is completely assur. (God forbid you should spiritually become closer to God).
18. You should not wear a tie during Shabbos Mincha.
19. Girls Only: Get the Bob/Bais Yaakov haircut at 18, so everyone will know you're ready to get married.
20. Learn Gemara and layn out loud along with the ba'al koreh, because maybe he'll pronounce a kamatz as a patach and that pseudo-Sefardi Modern-Orthodox sheigetz with the small black beanie who stands next to him reading from a Chumash won't catch it because he's busy talking about real estate throughout the layning.
21. Got to do that hat slanted ever so-slighty backwards thing for the full gangsta-frumma look.
22. Go 'coast to coast' without showering, changing your clothes or shaving, until you truly look like a caveman.
23. ***Do NOT do the following*** Wear shirt with stripes. Bobby pins and especially those shiny metallic clips. Tweed jackets or non-black hats.
24. Never say "Thank You," instead say, "Shkoiyach" - Remember it's only one word.
25. Pssshhhhh.
26. Videotape your wedding even though nobody on either side of the family owns a television.
27. Go to bars dressed in your hats and jackets, drink, stare at teenage girls, and claim do be doing kiruv.
28. You must go to the Hilton or any other expensive-type hotel on your first date.
29. Bikur Cholim is for wimps, wusses, and girly-men.
30. When learning, make sure to have as many Sfarim open as possible. Many poskim hold you should have out: 2 Mesechtas of Gemara, a chumash, a chelek of Shulchan Oruch, a Ritva, and a sefer written by an achron that nobody knows.
31. Bow REALLY deep at the beginning of Shemona Esrei.
32. For the ladies, if he doesn't ask to marry you until he asks all the stupid petty questions like "what is your name," he's off limits, unless his father is a jeweler who makes big fat diamond rings.
33. Whenever a friend gets married, stop looking at her in the face. Now that she is married, you must always look at her stomach to see if it's getting any bigger, because now that she is married, she will be getting pregnant any day. After a few months and no belly, talk to everyone you know about her.
34. Who needs kavanah when davening? Just scrunch up your face, purse your lips, shut your eyes tight, bang one fist into your palm, whisper the words loud enough to disturb your neighbor, let your spit be liberated from the confines of your lips, and get that really, really constipated look on your face. Only then will the Big Guy hear your supplications.
35. The answer to any question: Mamash, takka, im yirtzeh hashem, bli neder, canina hora, lo aleynu, Chas veSholom!
36. Your wife (Or you, depending on your gender), must wear a frummy robe Shabbos night.
37. When the Bais Hamikdash is built (God willing soon), you must dedicate something in honor of a dead relative or a family simcha. i.e. "This Misbeach was built in the memory of so and so," or "This Korban Tamid was sponsored by the sisterhood in honour of Shmuel David's Bar Mitzvah."
38. When you're engaged, you have a chiyuv to set up your friends too. You might not have anybody in mind for your friends before you're engaged, but once you are, you obtain a special power that makes it possible to sense a good shidduch when you see one.
39. Have a really expensive gold watch that, if pawned, would buy crates of sepharim in Israel.
40. Daven a really fast Shemoneh Esrei so that you can be the first one to say Out loud "Ya'aleh V'yavo" for Rosh Chodesh and other such inserts for special days in the calendar in order to remind others that are davening to remember to say these special paragraphs even though they already heard the klop on the bima and even though this burst of self-righteousness may mess up their concentration.
41. Make sure to get engaged after only three dates, but make sure the baby comes no sooner and no later than nine months from the wedding.
42. Make sure to always look miserable, because God forbid, people might think that you are taking some form of pleasure in this world.
43. On Shabbos, Take off your jacket after Hamotzi and put it back on right before bentching.
44. Separate your trash for milchig and fleishig.
45. On the days when you make it to minyan, make sure that your friends who didn't, know all about it.
46. The only pop albums you own are Billy Joel.
47. Go into Baskin Robbins when there are other Jews there and say really loud, "I wish I could eat here," just so people know that you keep Cholov Yisrael. Then leave.
48. After you get engaged, married, have a kid, etc.. .go around to everyone else and say "Im yirtze hashem by you," even if they are 70 years old or under the age of 12.
49. If someone¹s name is "Doniel" or "Gavriel," pronounce it "gavri-kel" "doni-kel" in order that you shouldn't say God's name in vain.
50. Download mincha, maariv, and bentching onto your palm pilot and stop randomly in heavily populated jewish areas to daven from it.
51. Daven with your eyes closed and your finger holding open the page - DO NOT LOOK IN THE SIDDUR. IT IS VERY NOT FRUM TO HAVE TO LOOK!
52. Wear one of the new Hatzoloh walkie-talkies that have the secret service type earphones. Keep the power off but constantly concentrate on what everyone thinks is an important message.
53. Put mezuzas on the doors of your minivan and tell everyone "It's the latest chumrah, but most people don't follow it."
54. Use the term "Please God" in your conversations - anywhere "God willing" can possibly be added.
55. Ban any fiction books in your house aside from those ridiculous 'frum novels' which are neither frum nor novels.
56. Call a single man at the age of 32 a 'boy', as in "I have a wonderful 32 year old boy for you!"
57. Be extremely frightened by ANY kind of dog (even a poodle with a head the size of a golfball) and immediately cross to the street when you are within 2 miles of these beasts.
58. Dress your (13) children in matching outfits, girls get dresses, boys get vests and pants made out of same material (i.e. purple tafeta, blue velvet, plaid wool), do this until the oldest is 19.
59. The non invitation......Never directly invite anyone to your house for a meal. It is better to tell them to call you when they would like to come. Doing this will yotze you the mitzva of chnasas orchim, and it puts the pressure on to the other person to call you. When they never actually call you, because for some strange reason, they didn't think that you gave them a real invitation, come over to them in shul 2 years later and ask them why they never called you. Make sure to look insulted.
60. Never wash your tallis
