Shabbat Sermon

By RABBI GERSHON SONNENSCHEIN

Parshat Ki Tisa 5765
February 26, 2005




Kiddush Clubs

I am going to begin this morning by asking all of you a question. Don’t worry, it’s not a trick question, nor is it the type of question you would have had to study for. Well here goes. What do the following delicacies have in common? Kugel, gefilte fish, cholent , schmaltz herring, marble sheet cake and of course I almost forgot to add to the list the most important item-single malt scotch.

If you answered that they all contribute to heart disease you wouldn’t be so wrong. But I have to tell you this morning that there is something more to the above. They are all served at the Kiddush clubs. Make sure you heard me correctly I didn’t say Kiddush which usually follows services. I am talking about something completely different.

A Kiddush club is an exclusive club which means “by invitation only”, to a group of shul goers that meet somewhere outside the sanctuary during services usually during the chanting of the haphtarah where they have a pre Kiddush–Kiddush.

Now I have to tell you that Kiddush clubs are not a new phenomenon. They have been around for a very long time. They have been meeting in basements and backroom of shuls as long as I know. Growing up as a kid in Montreal I distinctly remember the Kiddush club in my shul and the exodus that took place right before the beginning of the haphtarah. In the past, Kiddush clubs used to offer a stale piece of kichel and a shot of Crown Royal to diabetics or the elderly who simply couldn’t go without carbs for some health reasons. But as of late they have evolved into something more elaborate, for many more people and not just for the elderly. Stale pieces of kichel have been substituted with fancy expensive éclairs, a variety of herrings, cholent, and kugels. And if you dare try to offering anything less than fifteen year old single malt scotch you will be shooed away with upturned noses and your membership to these exclusive groups revoked.

There is an argument to be made in favor of these Kiddush clubs. Rabbis and congregational leaders have been trying for years to innovate new formulas for increasing synagogue attendance. Food always plays prominently in attracting people. It is actually its own denomination in Jewish life called “Gastronomic Judaism.”

The upside of these clubs is that they do succeed in attracting more people. More than this is an argument that is made that a nice camaraderie is developed that is generated among these clubbers that often generates warm feelings throughout the shul. Get this: someone told me recently more business is conducted at Kiddush clubs on Shabbat morning than during the week.

Now don’t get any bright ideas. It is not something to be encouraged because despite the benefits, there are many problems with Kiddush clubs. That is why a decision which was recently made by the board of directors of the Orthodox Union which we are a member issued a statement calling for the elimination of these Kiddush clubs from synagogues.

This criticism was highlighted when Natan Sharansky, former Soviet dissident and current Israeli cabinet member, was quoted as saying that his participation in the Kiddush club at the Hebrew Institute of Riverdale in December was the high point of his Shabbat there. Now that is pretty sad.

Besides the fact that it shows a callous disregard for the sanctity the spiritual nature of the service. Think about it - Chaim Yankel who has Yarhzeit has been practicing all year for the haphtarah and as he begins he turns his head to see a significant group of people leaving shul to go to their Kiddush club. Imagine how he must feel. The decency the derech eretz where has it gone.

Furthermore, it serves as a place where tremendous amounts of liquor is consumed and many return to services well, lets say at least- mildly intoxicated. Who sees it besides the congregation? It is the children, particularly the children of these participants. Polishing off bottles idealizes and glorifies alcohol especially at a time when we are so concerned about alcohol and other addiction within the Jewish community.

An anecdote: A particularly vehement opponent of the attempt to stop the Kiddush Club practice happens to be an officer in one of the OU regions. He was an avid member of a Kiddush Club at his synagogue until several weeks ago when he took his sons and their friends to a basketball game. Some people in the row in front of them were drinking and beginning to show the effects of the liquor. When the father muttered about how poorly behaved these people were, the kids spontaneously answered, “But they look just like you guys when you come back to shul for Musaf after the Kiddush Club.” This one incident was enough to convince our friend of the wisdom of this campaign.

In recent weeks the Israeli press has reported on the death of yeshiva student from a heroin overdose and the drug arrests of other yeshiva students from the United States.

“They brought their habits from America,” Haaretz reported.

Some in the American Orthodox community for years have criticized the amount of alcohol consumed at synagogue Kiddush’s both as an entry point into substance abuse for youngsters who see their elders imbibing and as tacit approval of drinking.

“At a recent convention of the Orthodox mental health organization Nefesh International, therapist after therapist indicated that almost invariably the youngsters they see who struggle with alcoholic tendencies trace their introduction to experiences they had in shul or at [events] such as weddings and bar mitzvahs,” Rabbi Weinreb, a leader of the Orthodox Union wrote.

“I think there’s a correlation,” said Rabbi Abraham Twerski, a physician and medical director emeritus of the Gateway Rehabilitation Center in Pittsburgh, who has specialized in treating substance abuse. “A drug is a drug is a drug.

“Kids learn from what they see,” said Rabbi Twerski, who has taken a “very strong stand” against kiddush clubs. “Where a single l’chaim is acceptable, excessive drinking is forbidden.”

And while they are out what are they missing? The haphtarah Some will say it’s only the haphtarah. Only the haftarah! Do they understand the nature of the purpose of reading the haphtarah?

The reading of the Haphtarah dates back to the Second Jewish Commonwealth, during the era of the Greek empire. Our enemies recognized the vitality of the Torah and banned us from reading the weekly Torah portion. In response, the Rabbis of those days substituted the reading of a segment from the Prophets, commonly known as the Haphtarah. They carefully chose specific sections of the Prophets which correspond to the Torah portion and intended through this to capture the lessons of the weekly Torah portion. Although the Torah reading has been restored, the Haphtarah remains an integral part of Shabbos and Yom Tov experience. It offers us an opportunity to encounter a prophetic message.

Let’s take a moment and understand the powerful message of this week’s haphtarah coming from the book of Kings.

This week's Haphtarah relates the famous story of Eliyahu on Mt. Carmel. Around the year 3021 - 740 BCE, King Achav and his wife Ezevel ruled the 10 Tribes with an iron fist advancing the worship of idols throughout the kingdom. Eliyahu, the fearless servant of G-d, challenged Achav's hold on the people by demanding a showdown on Mt. Carmel between himself and the false prophets of the Baal. The scene is one of the more spectacular events recorded in the Navi. Eliyahu, displayed absolute trust in Hashem and challenged the false prophets of the Baal to a public refutation. In the end, just as Moshe's return proved the falsehood of the Golden Calf, so too, Eliyahu proved the falsehood of the belief in the Baal.

Even more so listen to the last few words of the haftarah. Hashem Hu Ha Elokim - The Lord is G-d. If it sound familiar it should, these are the words that we say seven times at the end of the Neilah service on Yom Kippur Just so powerful - so powerful and this is what they are missing!

I am going to suggest that this particular haphtarah is especially pertinent in that it’s theme is all about Kiddush clubs. Think about it. The central figure in the haphtarah is none other than Eliyahu Hanavi. In Jewish life it is Eliyahu who makes it his business to visit us on special occasion. First is the brit milah, circumcision where we have a special chair called "kiseh shel eliyahu" and his name is invoked in the course of the service. Then we have Havdalah where at the conclusion of saying farewell to the Sabbath we sing “Eliyahu hanavi Eliyahu hatishbi”- and again this is over a cup of wine. Then at the Passover Seder we have special cup of wine called” kos shel eliyahu.”

It is absolutely fascinating when you think about it. The Elijah from the haphtarah, the very same Elijah who name is invoked over a cup of wine on these special occasions, is teaching us an invaluable lesson. That there is time to drink make a l’chaim, utilize wine to sanctify G-d for special occasions and there is time and place not to drink. And that is precisely not during the course of Shabbat services. It is totally inappropriate to walk out of shul. It is the antithesis of what being in shul is all about. In the book of Kohelet-Ecclesiastes it says l’chol zman va’et to everything there is a time and place. There is time to plant and a time to uproot a time to love and time to hate and the list goes on. Similarly there is a time to drink as on these special occasion and there is also a time when should concentrate on being in shul without distractions.

In the course of the seder we are commanded to drink four cups of wine, the question in the Talmud is why can’t I drink them all in one shot. The answer is very simple. If you would do that you would get drunk, at least I would for sure, and that is not the purpose of the Passover story. Yes there is a time and place for everything. That is why our sages placed the four cup of wine at different sections of the Hagadah.

Even in the Talmud of Brachot we see how Chanah, the mother of Samuel the prophet enters the Temple and Eli the Kohen Gadol –the high priest thinks she is drunk and accuses her of just that. From here we learn that drinking and being in shul, davening do not go hand in hand. There is a time and place for everything.

Remember Nadav and Avihu the two sons of Aaron? Apparently they were drinking when they tried to introduce something new in the Avodah the service in the temple. I am not convinced if it was the innovation alone for which they were punished but also the fact that they were intoxicated. For everything there is a time and place and obviously this wasn’t one of those times. They paid with their lives, a very costly mistake on their part.

The fundamental question that should be asked is why is it that people have such a difficult time staying in shul for the entire service? Not everyone runs out to a Kiddush club.

There is a simple but profound story that I heard awhile back. I shared it with minyan mercazi a few weeks ago and now I want to share it with you. My former chavrusa- learning partner is Rabbi Moshe Weinberger the Rav of the Aish Kodesh shul in Woodmere , He has become a Chassidic Rabbi who has brought thousands of Jews back to Judaism. He tells the following story:

In England, it was and remains popular to have public poetry readings. These readings attract a lot of people and prizes are awarded for the best reading. One particular night as a group of people were making their presentations, a young man got up and announced that he was going to read from the Bible. He selected the book of Psalms the twenty third psalm. He began “The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want He makes me to lie down in green pastures…" He read with such beauty that the audience got up and cheered. As the competition was just about over an elderly man sitting in the back raised his hand and asked if he could present a reading as well. This little old man with large kippah on his head a grey beard shuffles up to the front and announces that he too will read from the twenty third psalm. He begins and as he continues tears start to flow from the faces of all the onlookers. There is not a dry eye in the house. Well in the end it was the young man who won the prize. As everyone is leaving this young man sees the old gentleman walking out of the room. He runs to catch up to him and he says "Sir I don’t understand - How is it that when I read the psalm I received cheers for my reading but when you read it everyone was moved to tears?" The old man stopped, turned to his young friend and began to smile. "You know we both read the twenty third psalm beginning with The Lord is my Shepherd. The difference between me and you is when I read the Lord is my Shepard I know That G-d is my Shepard. I know…"

How many of us sit in shul and say the words prayer after prayer but do we really know the Shepherd. Have we developed and worked on our relationship with that Sheppard our G-d so that when we sit in shul it is meaningful and purposeful.

I do understand why sometimes people leave shul. Because they simply don’t know who the Shepard is and so these are just words, empty words Until we invest our energy and will to heighten our spiritual awareness it will remain that way.

And we have to continue in making our services spiritually more uplifting and trust me we are working on it. We are working on it and so should you.

In some shuls when you walk in, over the ark are the words “Da lifnei mi ata omed" know before whom you stand. We need to think about who G-d is and what He means to us and how we can develop those personal connections. This takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight.

I am convinced that end of the Kiddush club era is around the corner. I hope so because of the problems of the liquor that I spoke about and the inherent risks to our youth. I hope it will heighten a stronger appreciation for the haphtarah reading and most importantly we have the opportunity to heighten our connection to our Shepard in heaven above.

Hashiveinu Hashem Eilecha V”nashuva- Return us O our G-D and we will return to You

In the meanwhile I look forward to seeing you at the Kiddush following the mussaf services and there we will be able to drink a l’chaim together.

Shabbat Shalom.

© Copyright 2005 by Rabbi Gershon Sonnenschein. All rights reserved.

Frum Dating Theory

Frum Dating Theory: "No matter how hard one tries, a guy can never become 'cooler,' or more socially desirable in the eyes of women. Contrary to popular films, simply putting trendy clothing on the otherwise mediocre nerd will not make him the homecoming king. The only thing a guy can hope for is a change in his surroundings.

In the frum dating community, this happens automatically as a guy gets older. The older a guy gets, the more advantageous the dateable guy/girl ratio becomes. Take moshe for example. At 21, Moshe, along with most of his friends, begins to date. He like most of his friends is in college, has pretty good job prospects, avg. look/height and build, regular 'nice' personallity and middle-upperclass parents. Such stats put moshe in around the 50th percentile in the shidduch market. When moshe becomes 24, however, a large bulk of the top 25% have married, and are no longer his competition on the dating market. Moshe now stands at the 75 percentile of dating and constantly gets set up with more desirable women than before. By the time moshe hits 25, the only single guys left besides him, have either turned very modern, have really crappy jobs, or just are otherwise very creepy (or just fears commitment). Moshe now stands at about the 95th percentile in the dating market and gets set up with the highest quality girls in the 23 to 25 range.

With girls, on the otherhand, you can still find a good percentage of quality at the 23 age range. Of course, many of the most desirable girls will have been snatched up before they hit 21, but there is less disparity overall between girls in the 50th-75th percentile of desirability. There are many other reasons why, as age increases, there is a higher proportion of quality girls than guys (which is a discussion for a later time), but if you ask any 24 year old girl how many dateable guys there are, there is no doubt that she will respond with a look of disappointment and despair.

So avg. guys: if you feel you aren't getting set up with enough attractive/wealthy girls, just take a break from dating and resurface at the age of 25. While you will remain the same ho-hum dud you were before, at least now you have a better shot of landing a pretty girl.

*This does not apply in the West side where everyone is over 25
** There are many other factors that come into play in getting a desirable girl, so while being older improves your odds, it does not guarantee it.

# posted by Mike : 8:21 AM"

60 Ways to Appear Frummer

60 Ways to Appear Frummer

1. Shave your wife¹s Head.

2. Play with the beard.....The more you twirl it the better.


3. Do the 'Thumb Dip' (The lower you dip, the frummer you look).


4. Whenever quoting a Gemara in order to paskin, never quote from a Mesechta that has anything to do with the subject. For example: If the question is: What bracha do I make on Apple Sauce? Do NOT quote from Mesechta Brachos (that¹s too logical), quote something from Gittin! Always say, "I heard Rav Feinstein say," even if you weren't alive when he was.

5. Always quote 'The Rosh Yeshiva'. Everyone will obviously know who you're talking about!
6. Whenever you're quoting someone to prove that you are right in an argument, always quote a name that is an acronym (i.e. Rashi, Ramban, etc). Heck, you can even use your own name, it won't make a difference! Frum thinking clearly states that, "if someone is commonly referred to by an acronym, he must be right!"

7 ***DO NOT do this!!! This is NOT frumm!!!*** Bring up a siddur when called up for an aliyah, and say the brachos on the Torah from it. VERY not frumm.

8. Have tons of children.

9. When davening with a minyan, remember its very important to say out loud the first three (some hold four) words out loud, and then mumble the rest quietly.

10. "I don¹t hold by that Rav."
11. Always call your children by their first TWO names. i.e. Sara Yehudis, Yisroel Meyer, Pesach Yehuda, Noach Areyah, Shlomo HaMelech, etc. How many REAL frummies do you know with only one first name?

12. Put Hebrew dates on everything, and stop using civil dates altogether.

13. In the supermarket, peer into you neighbors basket and say, "You eat that type of cheese?"

14. Translate everything you say, everytime you say it. i.e. Chazal-our sages. This will demean your listener as uneducated and suggest that he can't remember the translation from one time to the next.

15. ***Do NOT do this!!! This is NOT frumm!!*** Sing that uppity NCSY benching tune.

16. Must speak in that annoying Brooklyn accent.

17. Meditation is completely assur. (God forbid you should spiritually become closer to God).

18. You should not wear a tie during Shabbos Mincha.

19. Girls Only: Get the Bob/Bais Yaakov haircut at 18, so everyone will know you're ready to get married.

20. Learn Gemara and layn out loud along with the ba'al koreh, because maybe he'll pronounce a kamatz as a patach and that pseudo-Sefardi Modern-Orthodox sheigetz with the small black beanie who stands next to him reading from a Chumash won't catch it because he's busy talking about real estate throughout the layning.


21. Got to do that hat slanted ever so-slighty backwards thing for the full gangsta-frumma look.

22. Go 'coast to coast' without showering, changing your clothes or shaving, until you truly look like a caveman.

23. ***Do NOT do the following*** Wear shirt with stripes. Bobby pins and especially those shiny metallic clips. Tweed jackets or non-black hats.

24. Never say "Thank You," instead say, "Shkoiyach" - Remember it's only one word.

25. Pssshhhhh.

26. Videotape your wedding even though nobody on either side of the family owns a television.

27. Go to bars dressed in your hats and jackets, drink, stare at teenage girls, and claim do be doing kiruv.

28. You must go to the Hilton or any other expensive-type hotel on your first date.

29. Bikur Cholim is for wimps, wusses, and girly-men.

30. When learning, make sure to have as many Sfarim open as possible. Many poskim hold you should have out: 2 Mesechtas of Gemara, a chumash, a chelek of Shulchan Oruch, a Ritva, and a sefer written by an achron that nobody knows.

31. Bow REALLY deep at the beginning of Shemona Esrei.

32. For the ladies, if he doesn't ask to marry you until he asks all the stupid petty questions like "what is your name," he's off limits, unless his father is a jeweler who makes big fat diamond rings.


33. Whenever a friend gets married, stop looking at her in the face. Now that she is married, you must always look at her stomach to see if it's getting any bigger, because now that she is married, she will be getting pregnant any day. After a few months and no belly, talk to everyone you know about her.

34. Who needs kavanah when davening? Just scrunch up your face, purse your lips, shut your eyes tight, bang one fist into your palm, whisper the words loud enough to disturb your neighbor, let your spit be liberated from the confines of your lips, and get that really, really constipated look on your face. Only then will the Big Guy hear your supplications.

35. The answer to any question: Mamash, takka, im yirtzeh hashem, bli neder, canina hora, lo aleynu, Chas veSholom!

36. Your wife (Or you, depending on your gender), must wear a frummy robe Shabbos night.

37. When the Bais Hamikdash is built (God willing soon), you must dedicate something in honor of a dead relative or a family simcha. i.e. "This Misbeach was built in the memory of so and so," or "This Korban Tamid was sponsored by the sisterhood in honour of Shmuel David's Bar Mitzvah."

38. When you're engaged, you have a chiyuv to set up your friends too. You might not have anybody in mind for your friends before you're engaged, but once you are, you obtain a special power that makes it possible to sense a good shidduch when you see one.

39. Have a really expensive gold watch that, if pawned, would buy crates of sepharim in Israel.
40. Daven a really fast Shemoneh Esrei so that you can be the first one to say Out loud "Ya'aleh V'yavo" for Rosh Chodesh and other such inserts for special days in the calendar in order to remind others that are davening to remember to say these special paragraphs even though they already heard the klop on the bima and even though this burst of self-righteousness may mess up their concentration.

41. Make sure to get engaged after only three dates, but make sure the baby comes no sooner and no later than nine months from the wedding.

42. Make sure to always look miserable, because God forbid, people might think that you are taking some form of pleasure in this world.

43. On Shabbos, Take off your jacket after Hamotzi and put it back on right before bentching.

44. Separate your trash for milchig and fleishig.
45. On the days when you make it to minyan, make sure that your friends who didn't, know all about it.

46. The only pop albums you own are Billy Joel.

47. Go into Baskin Robbins when there are other Jews there and say really loud, "I wish I could eat here," just so people know that you keep Cholov Yisrael. Then leave.

48. After you get engaged, married, have a kid, etc.. .go around to everyone else and say "Im yirtze hashem by you," even if they are 70 years old or under the age of 12.


49. If someone¹s name is "Doniel" or "Gavriel," pronounce it "gavri-kel" "doni-kel" in order that you shouldn't say God's name in vain.


50. Download mincha, maariv, and bentching onto your palm pilot and stop randomly in heavily populated jewish areas to daven from it.


51. Daven with your eyes closed and your finger holding open the page - DO NOT LOOK IN THE SIDDUR. IT IS VERY NOT FRUM TO HAVE TO LOOK!

52. Wear one of the new Hatzoloh walkie-talkies that have the secret service type earphones. Keep the power off but constantly concentrate on what everyone thinks is an important message.

53. Put mezuzas on the doors of your minivan and tell everyone "It's the latest chumrah, but most people don't follow it."

54. Use the term "Please God" in your conversations - anywhere "God willing" can possibly be added.

55. Ban any fiction books in your house aside from those ridiculous 'frum novels' which are neither frum nor novels.

56. Call a single man at the age of 32 a 'boy', as in "I have a wonderful 32 year old boy for you!"


57. Be extremely frightened by ANY kind of dog (even a poodle with a head the size of a golfball) and immediately cross to the street when you are within 2 miles of these beasts.

58. Dress your (13) children in matching outfits, girls get dresses, boys get vests and pants made out of same material (i.e. purple tafeta, blue velvet, plaid wool), do this until the oldest is 19.

59. The non invitation......Never directly invite anyone to your house for a meal. It is better to tell them to call you when they would like to come. Doing this will yotze you the mitzva of chnasas orchim, and it puts the pressure on to the other person to call you. When they never actually call you, because for some strange reason, they didn't think that you gave them a real invitation, come over to them in shul 2 years later and ask them why they never called you. Make sure to look insulted.

60. Never wash your tallis

chat frum

#Welcome